Toymallet 40c

ToyMallet 40ยข
Toymallet cover v3.jpg
Authors Jenni Reitz
First Publication 2006

In the grim emptiness of your wallet, you can't afford to play.

It started with a 46-year old Jenni Reitz who walked into a GDW shoppe to pick up a pair of Tau pathfinders. She stuck around, fell in love with the game, and started shopping for a starting army. It would cost her only $300 to get started with minis, codices, paint and what-have-you, even though the pieces are all "some assembly required."

So she said "fuck that noise," only she was more mature about it than I would be.

Still loving the fluff for Warhammer 40k, she decided to write a parody of it and include rules for tabletop wargaming with anything you can find in your son's or daughter's toychest. And she gives the game away for free.

A little bit on the rulesEdit

Two or more players each field armies of toys, and use heaps of d6 for resolving combat. Scenarios last for six rounds, after which whoever has the most HTF (Happy-Time Fun) points wins. HTF points are gained by eliminating enemy units, capturing/defending objectives, or other acomplishments.

Each player takes a turn during around. A player's turn has three phases: Move, Shoot, and Melee. Measurements are made in "Lengths," which can be any distance so long as everyone agrees on it. There are three types of units:

  • Squads - move 1 length if attacking, 2 lengths sprinting. Each member uses 1 die for attack/defense. 5-10 smallish figures that must stay close to each other; no figure can be further from another figure in the same squad than the height of an average squadmember.
  • Commander - moves as a Squad. Uses 2 dice for attack/defense, which may be added to a squad. This is a single powerful toy that can act independently or as part of a squad. Generates one TP (Tactical Point) per round.
  • Tankmecha - land mechas move 1 length, flying or hovering mechas move up to 3 lengths. Roll 4 dice for attack/defense. These huge toys automatically have the "Armored" status.

When rolling dice, 1-4 are successes on attack dice, 4-6 are successes on each defense die, and any "4"s give you TPs you can use to adjust your roll afterwards. It's more complicated than that, but it's not like the rules aren't free to download. Pente is better though.


  • Hello Kittau -- very shooty, very pink
  • Necrogumbies -- cut them to pieces, they reassemble. Hard to kill.
  • Venerial Space Pandas -- FUZZ FOR THE FUZZ GOD!
  • Lego? Playmobil? weeaboo vinyl figures?
seriously, make some shit up, and if you can make fun of the grimdark of WH40K, even better.