The Headmaster

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Long-arse tale about a guy who ran to /tg/ looking for help defeating an elven siege, and ended with a multi-thread adventure including kidnap, magic, mustard gas,"romance" and heroism. And by popular demand I shall attempt to chronicle this epicness.


The man who would be the Headmaster started life as a LN generalist wizard in 3.5E, turning to LE at some point before our story begins. The other relevant party members are an elven CN arcane archer, who is the daughter of a thousand year old death knight, a LG cleric who dwells within the same town as the Headmaster and a sorcerer of indeterminate heritage. (But was most likely a human or elf type for reasons that will become apparent) It was understood that the other party members decided to not get terribly involved during our heroes hour of awesome.

Our story truly begins when the Elf and the sorcerer decide for reasons unknown to shag each other and the Elf comes to the Headmaster for a contraceptive potion (which I can only assume is a magical variation of a morning after pill). Unfortunately despite this the elf ends up getting knocked up and immediately blames the Headmaster for her being a massive slag. She then proceeds to decide that as the daughter of a magical death knight and a good little daughter for her totes not a WoW rip off of a father, to invade the human lands to the south of the elven forest and use its inhabitants as slaves.

Now normally this would not be a problem and would not have required the /tg/ hivemind to sort out. Unfortunately though two large problems present themselves here. Firstly, big-ol daddy deathknight is awake for the first time in a few hundred years and is apparently a war thirsty mother fucker. And secondly and by no means less important, the elf's player had been shagging the Dungeon Master. No really. By all reports she had gotten a large amount of fairly impressive loot over the past month playtime, like immunity to illusion spells and other powers for being the daughter of a thousand year old necromancer swordsman. Bare in mind this is not just idle conjecture, we have confirmation from the OP on this. Apparently he (The DM) had been following her around like a lovesick puppy dog for as long as she started receiving overpowered shit.

This led certain members of /tg/. (Read:cowards) to rightfully advise the Headmaster's player to abort mission and quit the campaign before the DM had a chance to fiat the elves to victory as we had strong reasons for believing would be the case for the DM's new "girlfriend" and her army to win. Oh? Did I not mention the entire eleven nation was marching to war?

All was not lost for our brave hero however, for out of spite, the elf had decided to march her army to his city.

A walled city.

A city where, after much work and even more gold spent, The Headmaster sat at the center of a web of favors and connections, both noble and criminal, like a Machiavellian knowledge spider.

For this was the city he called home.

This was the city where he had established his school.

THIS would be the battle of the fucking century, with Player Vs Player, and /tg/ Vs DM.

There was no way this was not ending up on the wiki.

The BattlegroundEdit

Ok, now we get down to the heavy stuff. The target of Elf momma's invasion is a smallish town to the south of their forests. This town has approximately 2500 residents, a sizable underground full of criminals, several noble families, a college for their children and a few alchemist shops, all taking cover behind a stone wall that surrounds the town, with a river running east to west that the town had previously exploited for trade. It's notable combatants were a single lv14 wizard (our Headmaster), a lv1 sorcerer (the head student of the Headmaster's college), a Cleric who had been told not to intervene between the two forces by his LG god (just think about that for a second), a Fighter NPC from the college who had previously been training the Headmaster's students, a number of cannons, and the students, armed with assorted firearms.

The elvish host consisted of some 2000 members of their 2100 strong forest clan kitted out as light infantry, an indeterminate amount of siege weapons and magic users, the Elf babymamma and an awoken immortal elvish king (it is worth mentioning at this point a piece of folklore dropped by the OP about this guy, that is that he can only apparently be killed by a god).

The elvish homeland also bears noting as it is protected from any sort of aggression and infiltration by an illusion (read: plot armor) that causes people to get lost and lose their way, making a preemptive reenactment of Vietnam impossible.

Acting on the suggestions of /tg/, the Headmaster did several things to help protect his town.

-Turned the outside of the walls into a quagmire that would make Verdun blush via the use of weather control spells.

-Assembled a fighting militia from the city's willing population of around 800 plus some support staff, while at the same time making preparations for the rest to evacuate under the direction of the LG cleric from before.

-Armed the same militia with Pavise[1] arrow shields to help protect them from the elvish arrows.

-Acquired not only the support of the criminal underworld but also a complete map of the towns underground sections and a sweet arse tattoo of a winged Rose to boot.

-Hired a squad of Dwarven siege engineers to man the cannons on the walls

-Hired a squad of greatsword wielding mercs to help in the ground defense

-Arranged for supplies to be delivered by boat

-Had the town Alchemists and Pharmacists work non-stop to create projectiles, chiefly of the toxic variety

-Put Water Barrels all over town to limit the damages of fire.

-The local churches declared this a Holy crusade.

I'm shit somebody help

Note from other shit writer: the ending is in the archive, but not the screenshots, so don't freak over there being no ending.


Archived on suptg: one two three

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