The Aristocrats, FATAL-style

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Y'know, a group of players actually once tried to talk me into running Fatal for them once. I didn't know them that well, just met them through an ad at my local gaming store. So this guy Dave (names changed to protect the guilty) was apparently their spokesperson and I asked him about the kind of characters they wanted to play.

Whoo boy.

Dave himself played an elven warrior with a 15" wide anus (apparently he rolled for this). He had a fat whale of a girlfriend called Mary who had another elf, except some sort of thief-type, whose vagina could only hold 4 inches worth of penetration. I shit you not, they made a point of telling me this. Apparently she had also rolled for all sorts of other bizarre details, like nipples a full inch long and two inches wide, on breasts that were only A cup. I tried to explain this sort of stuff could be left up to the player, as she obviously disliked this character's appearance, but she wouldn't have any of it.

Anyway, there was also Chris and Stephen. Chris and motherfucking Stephen. They had both rolled "Anakim", some sort of half-demon race like tieflings. The players themselves were a little too young and horny (especially when around eachother), but they made great effort to impress upon me their characters' special gifts. Chris' little monster made babies scream, and when he touched them they had to shit, piss, and vomit all at once. I think he liked to fuck them afterwards. Stephen's sorry excuse for a tiefling had a penis over five feet long. I checked the book, I swear it's possible. It could've been longer even. Oh, and his character with the giant penis? She was called Anastyasa Darkmoon.

When I asked them about what sort of adventures they'd like to do, they basically began to describe raping Mary. Not the character per se, just Mary. And take a dump on her chest and god knows what else. The poor girl must've been brainwashed or just starved for human contact, because she seemed to put up with it rather than kicking their asses.

Chris was just about to ask me if I minded to roleplay scenes where he'd fuck vomitting babies, when I just couldn't take anymore and shouted, "Who the fuck are you people?!"

And they exclaimed: "We're The Aristocrats!"

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