Female Space Marines
|This article contains PROMOTIONS! Don't say we didn't warn you.|
"The Adeptus Astartes can only contain males. No girls allowed. They are yucky."
There is no tactic more effective for enraging a diehard SPESS MEHREENS fanboy than discussing/drawing their Rule 63 companion, Female Space Marines. Not to be confused with Sisters of Battle, the canonical equivalent to Space Marines and also armed with bolters and chainswords with the stats of shitty guardsmen (but still entirely equal to space marines), but Space Marine Space Marines of the Adeptus Astartes, you know, the hypermuscular ones with pauldrons. According to Games Workshop canon, the procedures that are used to create a Space Marine only work properly on male subjects (inferred to be because the Emperor is male), rendering female Marines impossible.
Sometimes it is pointed out that back in the Rogue Trader days, Games Workshop did briefly produce two power-armoured female models, but they were changed to "Female Adventurers in Power Armour" and were never meant to represent female Marines. Moreover, White Dwarf did in fact publish a Rogue Trader scenario back in the day featuring real, honest-to-Ward female Imperial Space Marines, albeit with the caveat that such chapters were exceedingly rare. In addition, some will point out that both the Emperor and at least one Primarch can change appearance at will. Considering this is from Games Workshop, who routinely violates their own canon in subsequent editions, fanbase be damned, take this as you will.
It's worth noting, though, that Games Workshop hasn't deterred /tg/ (or indeed, the Black Library writers) from coming up with ways to potentially allow for them, even with Space Marines being exclusively male being one of the rare things they've kept consistent. This is because we're talking about a tabletop game set in a universe where green mushroom men accidentally will things into existence and manifestations of extreme emotions sometimes murderfuck you from the inside out because some idiot forgot to fix the Gellar field or a Custodian missed a couple psykers for the Emperor's daily meal. And as was brought up in previous articles, little gets between a man and his fapbait, much less the rather "spirited" lorefagging this inspires in detractors.
The Canon PartEdit
While for a time GW's official stance was that it was impossible to create Female Space Marines, leading to spammed complaints about gender equality and claims that male-only Space Marines are sexist on their forums. Therefore, a minor concession was made. According to new fluff the Emperor of Mankind did see fit to attempt the creation of female Space Marines, whether in the spirit of equality, for the sake of a larger recruiting pool, or because he had an incest fetish to indulge. Emphasis on tried; since he had based his Sons off of himself, and then Space Marines off of the resulting genes, it was impossible to twist that base around to reliably make a female Space Marine. The Emperor tried again and again, but could not find a way to reliably create a Female Space Marine in a reasonable time frame and soon found that if Male Space Marines were one in a million, then Female Space Marines were one in a trillion. There were many semi-successful female Space Marines that showed promise, but nearly all of them died shortly after implantation due to organ rejection and various hormonal imbalances causing their biology to shit itself. Quickly realizing that this shit was a waste of time and resources better spent conquering the galaxy, he decreed that Space Marines would be male-only, NO GIRLS ALLOWED.
TL;DR GW got tired of angry letters, so they said that Female Space Marines were possible but stupidly impractical (even by 40k standards), so that's why there aren't any Female Space Marines so stop the angry letters please.
This all could have been avoided if some of the complainants had simply asked for (and GW gave) more focus on the real, pre-existing Female Space Marines complete with a unique, empowering flavor all their own - not to mention other the other non-sexualized women available in the setting. Naturally, this seemingly obvious solution was lost on all parties involved.
On the Black Library front, it was mentioned in one of the Horus Heresy books that Malcador the Sigillite had suggested making one or two of the Primarchs female, half-jokingly saying that it might help to defuse competition between them. The Emperor was not amused by this at all and insisted that it simply couldn't be done, thinking Malcador was joking about the idea entirely. And really, who wants to try to argue with him about it? He may have had time later to uplift all of humanity, but he is busy with that little "ten thousand years on life support while fighting various eldritch horrors" business.
And now a bit unexpected salvation - there are indeed (99.46% possible) Female Space Marines!... in The Eye Of Terror. Well, they're possible out of it too - see, due to the nature of Chaos, mutations are often a fact of life. Some desired, some not. What if one hulked out, burning, warped Chaos Space Marine secretly wishes he was the cute little girl who got flowers? Who smiled with joy? Who was so sweet?
This was confirmed in one of the earlier Chapter Approved articles - one that re-introduced mounted Daemonettes - in which a Governor-Militant fighting a Slaanesh warband mused that there were (apparently female) creatures that were once Space Marines, but no longer. Considering Chaos can cause that which must never be named, is anyone surprised by this?
Furthermore, in the Fabius Bile series, there was a female Chaos Champion who'd been mutated up to Space-Marine equivalent levels, and was a subcommander in an Emperor's Children war band.
We know that you among the fans, despite all our attempts to dissuade you, want cute FEMALE SPHESS MAHREENS! And there is good news - technically, there ARE Female Space Marines IN OFFICIAL LORE. The catch? Yes there is a catch. And this one is the worst.
Your new waifu is a bloated, twisted, undying, insane, mutated pregnant mother-slave only alive because she's in the Eye of Terror.
You see, Honsou of the Iron Warriors, in an effort to squeeze new MAHREENS into the ranks without having to pay that other sick fuck Fabius Bile for clones and because he was too lazy to do it the normal way, created a system of hideousness and sadness that pushes grimdark to a whole new level. He invented the Daemonculaba, a system whereby a woman is chained and fed stuff which will morph her and her womb into something that was never meant to be. A boy is then (yes, a child), jammed, shoved or cut INTO the vagina and stays there for a while. When his time is ready, he, now XBAWKS HUEG and STRONG, will have to rip, tear, or otherwise push his way out of his adoptive mother's womb/vagina. When he emerges, he will either be a skinless mutant abomination, or will emerge as a fully functional (albeit skinless) Chaos Space Marine in a fraction of the time, with all his growth stages and bionics and gene-seed already taken care of. How? It's fucking science.
This goes back to our Female Space Marine - you see, while she was being morphed and changed, Dark Mechanicus Biologis hereteks worked on her body, implanting gene-seed and making her physically a Female Space Marine, even if the form is rather off. Thus, her womb can turn children as well into Space Marines by having her womb 'grow' the required organs and stages directly into their bodies in a fraction of the time - days and weeks instead of years. Thankfully for the entire universe, this horror was destroyed before Honsou realized he could stick girls in there as well, and get double the recruits, and stumble upon the secret to true Female Space Marines.
A Slightly More Reasonable AnswerEdit
The problem really is one of terminology. Women can wear power armour, certainly; the Sororitas practically make it formal wear. Women can, through steroids, incessant bodybuilding, a high protein diet, and a little genetic modding to bring it all together, be as buff and rocking as a Space Marine. Pointlessly expensive and inefficient compared to grabbing a guy and shoving a growth hormone in him. But what really makes a Space Marine a Space Marine is all of the extra genetically-engineered organs and DNA and whatnot cloned from the Primarchs and implanted in the right way, which is impossible for women for reasons the Emperor himself ran afoul of. The closest thing to an exception in the fluff is any experiment involving Fabius Bile. It should be noted that the said woman is effectively lobotomized (and even there, the potential Chaos Space Marine candidate must be male since even that sick thing requires gene-seed to 'work'). And even if he did make you a Female Space Marine for reals, she still wouldn't be a "proper" Space Marine, just a weird, mutilated, Chaos-infused entity that approximates a Space Marine but can never truly be one.
On the note of the Fabulous one, the crazy old fuck basically cloned himself but then decided to make the clone female and have a 'daughter' just for the lulz. And the best/worst part is, he still made a better job out of parenthood than Big E. Bile's also experimented on damn-near everything (including the entire civilian populations of several planets) at some point or another for his attempts to duplicate the methods for creating new Space Marines, so there's ample evidence to suggest that he's tried it at least once, going as far as saying Big E. was an idiot for making gene-seed only compatible with men and thus cutting off half the potential supply of warriors. Fucking Slaanesh. In his own recent novels, his retinue has included a champion who is effectively, but not technically, a female Space Marine; when she claimed some Emperor's Children power armor on the battlefield, it bonded to her like Chaos Armour from Fantasy does, and she's tougher in a fight than most true Space Marines.
Another possible reason is that all of the Primarchs are men, with male genes, thus meaning that, unless there's secretly a girl Primarch out there somewhere, female Space Marines cannot be made in the traditional sense. Space Marine blood alone can eat through many durable materials due to the mess of chemicals in them. Any attempt to breed Space Marines the traditional way would be almost guaranteed to fail in a tragic fashion.
Of note is the fact that despite the names and histories of the two missing Primarchs being utterly obliterated from Imperial records, they are still unambiguously referred to as sons of the Emperor.
Dark Imperium and FemMarinesEdit
In the Master of Mankind and Dark Imperium novels, it's revealed that the Emperor]] never cared for the Space Marines as much as his more favored sons, and saw them as little more than tools to secure his empire. He never intended for them to rule over it, as it was planned to be an empire ruled by humans for humans. Given this revelation, it's possible that the Emperor could've made Female Space Marines, but chose not to because he wanted a reliable way to keep their population in check. Keep in mind that very few people outside of the Emperor himself were actually involved in the Primarch Project, so he was adamant that FemMarines were impossible, and no one actually tried to prove him wrong - they mostly just took him at his word (because calling him out seems like a much less preferable alternative). It is also simply far quicker and more efficient to implant recruits. Plus the changes needed to create a female Space Marine, given the large physical abilities differences between men and women, would be extreme, with an immense fatality rate, and expensive. You could make ten male and female Space Marines or thirty male Space Marines in half the time. The right choice is obvious. Besides, after the changes to put the women on par with the men Marines, the only real difference left would be genetalia, so the extra expense and risk would be pointless in the end. Sure, the fem Marines would only need to outclass the enemies of the Crusade, so full body alteration wouldn’t be necessary. But, the male Marines frequently suffered heavy, sometimes dramatic casualties. Less durable, less strong female Marines added would mostly increase the body count. Not to mention the incredible risk of enemies getting DNA of both Marine types and making their own in their labs. Besides, Emps had Chaos to consider. Even if you don't buy into all the -4 Str bullshit, the impracticality of the numbers is still worth noting.
Although Space Marines have their sex drive curbed or removed, we know that Space Wolves can still sleep around (especially true for Lukas the Trickster), to say nothing of the Emperor's Children, who are explicitly described going on a rape rampage during the Siege of Terra, which likely means that the reproductive suppression isn't 100% effective or irreversible, though the latter example does carry a load of salt big enough to fill a Blackstone Fortress in that they worship Slaanesh. It should also be considered that although Space Marines have a reduced or eliminated sex drive, it's never been suggested that they're sterile, meaning that accidents could still happen. Space Marine sex drive also seems to be born more out of culture than anything actually biological, most marines consider themselves too busy to get sexually or romantically attached to other people and are "married to the job". However the Space Wolves, having a rowdy and raunchy chapter culture where picking up chicks is a sign of manly strength and a source of tales to laugh about at the mess hall don't see any problem with their brothers spending their free time having "fun" with the local women.
Given all this, it's possible that the Emperor didn't want to take any chances and potentially have his living weapons start reproducing and becoming self-sufficient, replacing the humans they were designed to protect. Keeping Space Marines mono-gendered and reliant on geneseed would ensure that he maintained tight control over his tools and how many there were at any given time. Of course, this is all speculation, so take it with a grain of salt. Keep in mind, Implants are not heritable, this is basic biology. Unless the Astartes-to-be DNA is altered, which once again would mean Female Astartes should be possible. Even then the theoretical baby Astartes wouldn't get the implanted organs, meaning probable miscarriage. Instead they would have to be genetically altered clones. These attempts have almost always created questionable results.
Also the statement that the Emperor blatantly favors the Custodes over the Space Marines? 100% true. Space Marines during the time of the Great Crusade were mostly just genetically engineered frontline soldiers with cybernetics, Power Armor and really big guns. Instead of being a mix of Tier 1 Special Operators and Dark Age Knight Orders like they are during M41 and M42. Some were even used as right out cannon fodder, more so if they were traitors during the Heresy. (e.g. Stor-Bezashk White Scars were those who were found to be on the side of the traitors and reassigned to take most deadliest missions as punishment, while getting all the shit jobs were one of the reasons the Iron_Warriors sided with Horus.) The Emperor also had no problems purging two whole Legions of them for reasons that we'll never know about. So he wouldn't care about massacring Space Marines wholesale if they were made up of gender equal units.
A mass Legion purge is something he never considered doing to the Adeptus Custodes, as they have no flaws that allows to be corrupted by Chaos or Xeno influence. And if it were possible, they'd be too dead to talk about. Nor would he send them to some forsaken planet to be slaughtered like he would with Space Marines. Of course, female Custodes are also a whole different can of worms in of itself and turns the discussion into skub, despite Games Workshop themselves considering this as being potentially canon.
On The To-Do List?Edit
There is a paragraph in "Ashes of Prospero" were Arjac Rockfist identifies him self as a "Son as Russ", and a woman with a spear asks "Only sons?" Arjac thinks on it, and realizes that the spirit of Fenris, and of the Space Wolves, is in all the people of Fenris, men, women and children. Then he considers that Guilliman had made an even more deadly and powerful version of a Space Marine, so it was possible. At the end he pointedly does not reject the possibility of women space marines, ending with a "Perhaps."
Whether or not this is a case of fandom baiting/lorefag trolling, lampshade hanging, or just leaving space for 'Your Dudes' is debatable; the fact that this happened among the Viking-themed Space Wolves is interesting, given the Valkyrie and Shield Maiden connotations that go along with that theme. Additionally, the Wolves took a beating from the Thousand Sons, so increasing the recruiting pool would be a boon to the beleaguered Wolves. If female marines were going to be suddenly created, it happening to the Space Wolves would not be thematically out of the question the way it would be for other more 'ascetic' Space Marine chapters. This being said, Fenrisian Shield Maidens were mentioned as having fought in Wrath of Magnus, so it's also possible that the Space Wolves will stop being a Marines-exclusive force and start incorporating the native warriors of Fenris, though that would be a blatant case of legion building that would draw the attention of the already inclined to look disagreeable on them Inquisition in a way the more Inquisition friendly Ultramarine do not with the Ultramars IG and PDF.
What Would A Female Space Marine Look Like If They Could Exist?Edit
Obviously, in the land of Rule 63 they are amazingly hot (and would totally do you), but in dark and gritty fluff-land where they would be optimised for combat rather than jacking off, they would probably have very few notable female features left following surgery and genetic fuckery. Marines are made from pre-adolescent kids who still have very little in terms of sexual dimorphism, and the process of transforming includes total rewriting of the hormonal system (which is responsible for developing secondary sexual characteristics).
Hypothetical femarine wouldn't have narrow shoulders, wide hips, (big) breasts, delicate face structures (though the blood angels often manage it), feminine voices or even traditional feminine character traits like higher capacity for empathy and increased aversion against danger as those two psychological traits are pretty easily conditioned in or out of people if you can control their social contacts. And unless you're one of the nice chapters like the Salamanders, Lamenters, or Celestial Lions; empathy is almost certainly going to be trained out of most recruits to make them better able to deal with the kind of guilt that killing other people inflicts on humans. If you don't think that's a big concern, note that this is the kind of guilt that notably caused Avitus to fall to heresy when the truth about his chapter master made it his old excuses of it being justified as the chapter being in the right invalid and found himself unable to live with his actions. An entire Chapter of Marines in service to the inquisition who purged civilians who knew too much was also driven insane by the guilt because they simply cared too much for other people. Too much humanity can and will drive space marines to madness over the course of their duties.
In essence neophyte does not mature into man or woman - it matures into marine. A female Space Marine would only differ from male Space Marine by having (possibly) different genitalia, so no "Samus is a girl" moments would occur, given that they would never have a traditional female puberty. Either way, Female Space Marines are not going to be conventionally attractive. Being recreated exclusively for war tends to do that. They would be bigger than an ordinary human, of course, but they would still be proportioned like a normal human. Or like some bikini model if the Emperor decided he wanted to make hot White Scar bikers or something.
It is worth noting that official art from GW shows that unarmoured space marines look pretty normal if tall and swole discounting all the plug holes in them; like Captain America if he were a head or two taller rather than blob like roid freaks. Which does make sense, as the hulking bodybuilder physique is actually not very good in a fight compared to the more lithe MMA fighter build or the kind of fat looking powerlifter bod and in the military, endurance and leg power matters far more than how big your gains are. It's also worth noting that the sons of Sanguinius in particular are generally handsome in an androgynous, angelic way and that most of the primarchs aren't half bad looking. The Alpha Legion and the Fallen are also able to pass off as normal if tall and buff humans without their power armour. Also worth noting is that many, many marines are somehow able to have long, flowing hair or beards (or both) and still fit helmets onto their heads without issue with what can only be explained by space marine helmets doubling as pocket dimensions.
As Space Marines are surgically altered with organic implants and not traditionally genetically modified, progenoid glands would still play a vital role in gene-seed replication, and any child a female Space marine would have would at most just be guaranteed to be at least somewhat compatible with the chapter's gene seed. All the extra organs that go into a Space Marine are lab-grown things stuck into them that they're genetically compatible with, no more inherently part of the body than a prosthetic arm, and it's very unlikely that they would develop on their own in a Space Marine's child. Knowing Lukas the Trickster's "hey babe, I'm a space marine, wanna see the inside of my land raider?" antics though, it's probable that unless trained to suppress it, they'll still have a sex drive.
And, assuming that Sister Generica can be considered attractive in any form, she's also wearing a ton or two of ceramite power armor, so you wouldn't tell until she speaks or removes her helmet (Though depending on who you ask, that would make her MORE attractive.) And even if she does, you'd have to be a very lucky man to catch her eye during her limited free time, and she'd need to be from a chapter where fraternizing with normal humans is acceptable.
Finally, God Emperor help you if you suggest they wear boob plate. Physics ITSELF says no, and it'd slow down production which - given the current state of the Imperium - all but ensures you'll be ridiculed and "corrected" if you so much as try to suggest it.
RAGE is generated by this tactic in two distinct ways; either the neckbeards assume that the creator of the work in question is unaware of the Space Marine fluff, and rage about his or her ignorance; failing that, it becomes clear that they are well aware of the fluff regarding these matters and willingly chose to disregard it, sending the poor neckbeards into fits of spastic rage that anyone would dare deliberately defile the sacrosanct canon of Games Workshop's masterpiece.
Alternatively, call your all-female IG army converted to be Imperial Navy armswomen "custom female space marines" for a joke the guys at the game store will find funny once and infuriating forever after.
What If I Still Unironically Want This?Edit
Then it's time to apply some of 'your dudes'. GeeDubs has been downplaying this more and more in the marketing, especially going into 8th edition, but they still secretly love it and never want us to stop applying our stories and color schemes to their precious and expensive models. Besides, with such a thoroughly batshit crazy setting, there's no reason you can't make your toy soldiers girls.
As mentioned before, you could always invoke the two lost Space Marine primarchs and say their geneseed works in females. Maybe a successor chapter somewhere down the line got a mutation and now they need to recruit young girls instead of young boys.
Of course, the "easiest" way that will generate the fewest complaints is just saying that this is possible in your chapter. Either the geneseed your chapter uses is mutated to allow a higher success rate with females, the females are surgically altered to be basically just Space Marines, or that Daddy Cawl conveniently forgot to tell Guilliman that the Primarines can take girls too. Above all, just remember to try and take it easy.
A New ArrivalEdit
- From the livelog of Inquisitor Perstringos, archive #32AA9-99
- Redacted copy dispatched to Magos Tzeel'Etil of Mars under code of practice 73-Greyfax-Cawl
The lifespan of an Inquisitorial liaison to the Angry Marines is a famously short one.
Take offence to their unorthodox methods, and you're likely to get your head exploded like an overripe melon. Partake too enthusiastically in their furious idiom and you're likely to get your head exploded like an overripe melon. Stand too near one when they're feeling a little more umbrage than usual and you're likely to... and so on.
I have lasted in the role for nearly seven Angermar months and so consider myself quite the survivor. Alas, my run of good luck may soon be at an end. The Angry Marines are not generally characterised by a cheerful acceptance of change...
especially changes imposed from without...
very particularly especially changes to their unit composition mandated by none other than the Ultramarines, whose very Codex Astartes (oh Guilliman Restored, forgive me!) I have been impelled to use as an item of intimate personal hygiene in the Angry Marines' commode.
And yet today the first company of Primaris Marrnes will be arriving on McRage to join their new battle brothers. The "Guillimarines", as I've heard them called around the barracks here from the day I arrived. The Ultra-Ultrasmurfs. The Fuck-knuckles. The Bitch-clone-fucking-sellout Poser Marines.
Such a momentous occasion will naturally require an Inquisitorial observer on site.
I am going to fucking die.
Which is why I am taking care to record this surreptitious livelog, tapped by my tongue against my molar-transcriptor as I take my place in the Rite of Welcome. My life is nothing, praise the Emperor. Direct observational feedback on the reception of our Imperium's newest super-Astartes into the Chapter deemed least likely to accept them will be invaluable to several parties.
They are docking now with our Battle Barge, the FUCKYOUNAMEITYOURSELF. Their vessel, officially the Undaunted but renamed in our local records "THE OFFICIOUS CUNT-BASKET", is busy initiating standard pre-docking handshake protocol, but I expect that...
yep, there it is. The Angry Marines have taken the simple expedient of ramming the FUCKYOU directly into the Undaunted's docking bay. It was a fair hit. Air is already cycling across both ships with only superficial loss to the void, it won't take long to clear the wreckage, and so the joining Rite is soon to begin.
A mere ten paces in front of me, well within explode-my-head-with-a-backslap range, stands Chapter Master Temperus Maximum himself. An AdMech representative, Magos Errant Gjarran 3FF stands some ways to my left. I am sure I sense fear in the writhing of its mechadendrites.
Two long lines of Angry Marines, each four long files of seven hundred ranks, stretch out behind us in a widening wedge, as though to flaunt the Codex Astartes prohibition on companies larger than a thousand. Aside from their numbers and their angry yellow banners, the most striking sight to one accustomed to other Astartes chapters is the conspicuous lack of bolt pistols in favour of a second chainsword or the heaviest of heavy weapons.
I also note that customary Space Marine practice is to greet newcomers with weapons RAISED, not brandished threateningly -- and thus also pointed directly at my back.
On either side of these lines there mills a mob of chapter serfs, aspirants, servitors and ordinary ship's crew. Banners burn with the emblematic angry face and raised yellow middle finger.
I now hear the stomp of boots but haven't caught sight of the 100 who will be the first in history to join the Angry Marines from outside their chapter. Having already written off my own life, I find myself idly wondering if anyone has warned them of what they will encounter. We went through sixteen liaisons in as many weeks before we started to get the hang of their red lines. How many of these "Primadonna Marines" will survive the year?
Ah, there they are. They march in a column five across, twenty files deep. I see the first file now...
I had heard that these new marines were taller but the effect is staggering. Every Space Marine inspires terrified awe with their size, their power, and above all their devotion to the Emperor. These new Primaris radiate the same majesty... perhaps it is as they humbly claim, that they are no better than their other battle brothers, but they are certainly... newer.
As my eyes take in the holy might of the Emperor's newest instruments, my trained Inquisitor's eye perceives what at first was a vague impression. The specifications of these marines' armor, while taller and sleeker than earlier models, are in fact even sleeker than the schematics of the Mark X Tacticus Armour I have memorised as a matter of course.
How strange. Thinner in the waist. Wider at the hips. Bulkier at the chest... at the bust!
Subtle as the difference is, certainly not detracting from their power and terror, their armour is unquestionably FEMALE.
Before anyone speaks the center Primaris of their first file--surely their Lieutenant--is removing his helmet... HER helmet. By the Emperor! As strong and intimidating and, well, grizzled a face as any Space Marine's, and yet entirely feminine. Long luxurious red hair is cascading down her shoulders... by the Emperor, to live to see these days!
No word yet from the Angry Marines. I fear the worst. I'm enabling my audio pickup; it may well outlive me.
[Lieutenant Pedicaba]: WELL FUCK ME IT'S THE MUTE MARINES! HELLO THE FUCK TO YOU TOO, ASSHOLE!
[Assault Sergeant Dickface, interrupting]: OH NO NO FUCKING NO. NUH-UH. FUCK OFF. CHADMARINES ARE BAD ENOUGH BUT A STACY? GIRLYMAN AIN'T GONNA SHOEHORN SOME BOLTER BITCHES INTO OUR YEEEAAAARGH!!!
[Lieutenant Pedicaba]: WHOOPS DID I JUST "SHOEHORN" MY FOOT UP YOUR ASS? YOU CAN EAT YOUR OWN SHIT OFF MY BOOT LATER, SERGEANT. DO I LOOK TO LIKE I'M ARMED WITH SOME PUSSIFIED BOLTER?
[Chapter Master Tempestum]: WELL FUCKING ARSECHUNKS IF THIS ISN'T A CUNTY TURN OF EVENTS. I'VE SAID FOR MONTHS YOU NU-SMURFS HAVE NO BALLS AND WHADDYA KNOW.
[Lieutenant Pedicaba]: YEAH YOU CAN KISS MY TURGID OVARIES LATER FUCKLICK. LIEUTENANT PEDICABA REPORTING! BY THE EMPEROR'S SWEATY ASSCRACK WE HAVE ARRIVED THROUGH THE WARP INTACT, ONLY ONE LITTLE FUCKSLEAZE DAEMON INCURSION NEEDED ITS SHIT PUSHED IN. ONE HUNDRED NEW ANGRY MARINES ARE YOURS TO COMMAND, MY LORD CHAPTER MASTER!
(Oh Emperor protect us, they're all removing their helmets. Blonde hair, black hair, more redheads... if it weren't for their size you'd know they weren't Sisters of Battle by their color. And their language!)
[Chapter Master Tempestum]: HEY COGBITCH, YOU SURE THOSE FAGNUTS FROM MARS SENT THE RIGHT DELiVERY?
[Magos Gjarran]: All is in order, lord Chapter Master. These are indeed the Primaris Marines assigned by my masters to your most holy Chapter, uncorrupted by the Warp and in perfect genetic order. The Machine God smiles upon your union.
[Chapter Master Tempestum]: AND YOUR ARCH-ANUS FAGMASTERS DIDN'T SEE FIT TO MENTION THEY COME WITH A CUNT APIECE?
[Lieutenant Pedicaba]: YOU WANT "A PIECE" OF CUNT JUST FUCK YOUR OWN WHORE MOUTH, MY LORD.
[Chapter Serf Urguet Incelium, interrupting]: No!! Stop!! Please!! I can't bear it!
(Has this serf lost his mind! What is he doing?)
[Chapter Serf Urguet Incelium]: My lords, this cannot be! Kill me if you will, but we cannot have fucking WOMEN ruining EVERYTHING! It's all a trick by... by SLAANESH JUSTICE WARRIORS to force the evil of HEResy upon us. A trick! The holy gene-seed can't work on females! Blah!
(The Primaris nearest the serf has just spat on him. Looks like she got him right in the crotch.)
[Chapter Serf Urguet Incelium]: You stupid bitch! I'll fucking end you! I'll take a flamer to all the vapid whores in the Progenium! I'll...
[a distinct sizzling noise is audible]
[Interceptor Miserabila]: GUESS MY BETCHER'S GLAND WORKS AFTER ALL, HUH ASS-BADGER?
[Chapter Serf Urguet Incelium]: My DICK! Oh FUCK, OH EMPEROR! MY BALLS! MY BALLS ARE MELTING AWAY! AHHH!
[Lieutenant Pedicaba]: "BETCHER" WEREN'T USING THOSE ANYWAY, PANSY-ASS QUEEFSNIFF.
[Chapter Serf Urguet Incelium]: [voice dissolves into screams and groans]
[Chapter Master Tempestum]: HEH HEH, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT. MAYBE YOU REDRAGE WHORES WON'T EMBARRASS THE REAL SOLDIERS TOO MUCH AFTER ALL. TELL YOU WHAT, LET'S WIPE OUT THE ASSCHEESE HERETICS PLANETSIDE AND I'LL LET YOU FIX ME A SANDWICH.
[Lieutenant Pedicaba]: SAY THAT TO MY HAIRY PUSS, MY LORD CHAPTER MASTER PISS-BREATH. NOW ARE YOU GONNA FIND US SOME HERESY TO MURDER OR ARE YOU GOING TO STAND THERE ALL DAY LIKE YOU'RE SCARED OF A LADY?
[Chapter Master Tempestum]: WE MAKE PLANETFALL IN TWENTY MINUTES. WELCOME TO THE ANGRY MARINES... BATTLE BROTHER.
[Lieutenant Pedicaba]: YEAH, SLURP SHIT SISTER.
Audio pick-up disabled. I think that was the ceremony. The Angry Marines, Primaris and all, are exchanging soldierly embraces and head-butts and marching back to the barge, chanting as one, "ALWAYS ANGRY! ALL THE TIME! ALWAYS ANGRY! ALL THE TIME!"
I'm racing down the corridor with Magos Giarran as fast as my legs will take me. You just know they're going to perform an "expedited undocking" with fucking frag grenades. Again. Planetfall in seventeen minutes. If I'm somehow not rendered into inquisitor-flavoured jello... well, I'm already praising the Emperor's unlimited munificence that I'm alive at all.
Word must get back to Mars. If the Primera mix so well even with the Angry Marines, they'll be a valuable reinforcement to all our companies. In our darkest hour, the Imperium's new hopes redouble.
+++ Thought for the Day: The Emperor has fury enough for us all. +++
- Golden Aquilas: /tg/ homebrew chapter, designed to cause as much RAEG and accusations of derp as possible.
- Space Marines: Rule 63 equivalent of female Space- wait...
- Sisters of Battle: The warrior nuns of the Imperium that wear power armor, often fight with bolters and chainswords, and are in a sense the "real female space marines" of Warhammer 40,000.
- Stormcast Eternals, GW's Fantasy Space Marines in Age of Sigmar, which can be any species and gender thanks to their magical origins. At least one Stormcast group was announced to be comprised of men and women and SURPRISE WARHAMMER SHADESPIRE WAS ANNOUNCED AND FEATURES A FEMALE STORMCAST MINIATURE. And the Sacrosanct Chamber added a bunch more.
- Samus: How about a female Primar-*BLAM*REVEALING IMPERIAL SECRETS IS HERESY!
- Brienne of Tarth: The quintessential female space marine; through the obsession with duty and honour to the bulky, muscly form and skill at arms.
- Daughters of Terra A not-quite Space Marines Female Space Marines chapter.