Posted to /tg/ Aug 5, 2012. The following is an old comedy fanfic that the anon author posted on a thread about the Imperium having catgirls as of 6ed.
A very happy man stood in the ruined cathedral, both it and the world it stood on long since forgotten by the Imperium that had once been here, so long ago, even since before the Heresy.
Ten thousand years- had it been so long since he had begun on the great work; this, his Solutio Ultima? It had. And now that he had a worthy subject- oh, why mince words? Now that he had a worthy sacrifice, the domination of the Chaos Gods and the downfall of the Terran corpse were inevitable.
Oh, and of course, let us not forget the favour that the Chaos Gods would inevitably grant upon him-
“That they will, Fabius,” Ahriman said. “After all, shouldn’t a hard-working slave have an extra crust of bread?”
Fabius Bile turned to Ahriman, a scowl on his normally immaculate face. The former Apothecary of the Emperor’s Children had never really seen eye-to-eye with the Sorceror, much less so now that he openly refused to acknowledge the Chaos Gods. The fact that Ahriman was a mind reader only made things worse, in Fabius’s opinion.
“But sometimes the unpleasant must be endured in the name of a greater cause, correct?” the Sorceror whispered. “Trust me, it is a pain I know all too well… all too well…”
“Enough with your ramblings, psyker!” Lucius the Eternal laughed, placing an impossibly scarred hand on Ahriman’s shoulder. “Pain, pleasure- it’s all the same in the end, isn’t it?”
“Then consider this a favour!”
Ahriman sighed as Kharn the Betrayer’s chainaxe slashed into Lucius’s back, but where the blow would have bisected a normal man, the Champion of Slaanesh simply burst into joyous laughter, and brought both sabre and whip to bear upon Kharn. Ahriman noted with disgust that to both of them, there was no purpose to the fight, save for the fight itself- no greater goal, no higher objective, nothing. They weren’t even fighting to please the Chaos ‘Gods’ they worshipped-
“Can we just get this done and over with? All of us have better things to do, brothers,” Typhon of the Death Guard wheezed, his hideously deformed body oozing pus, mucus, and a whole host of other bodily fluids that served as food for the many demonic insects eating away at him.
“Oh really? Like sit and wallow in our own rot and let the promises of the galaxy’s power fly by?” Ahriman sneered.
“The gifts of Grandfather Nurgle are not to be mocked,” Typhon replied, a rare hint of anger entering his choked voice.
“Gifts? Gifts? I have the power to shape worlds, tear my enemies’ souls from their bodies! Worlds tremble at the power I can muster, and Warp itself obeys my slightest command! And you? Nothing that I see other than the power to break wind- a power at which you excel, by the way.”
Fabius groaned as four-way melee began, Lucius and Kharn joining out of general principle. Normally he wouldn’t care what happened to the four overgrown children; he served as the self-proclaimed Primogenitor to Chaos not just so he wouldn’t be bound to any particular doctrine or God, but so he could have a perfectly legitimate excuse to stay out of arguments like this.
But this was no normal situation, and regrettable as it was, he needed these four alive for now. He took out a small vial from one of his many pockets, and dispensed several liquids and chemicals into it from the attachments to his backpack, before drinking the glowing greenish-purple mixture. It should only work once, but Fabius knew it once would be all it would take.
“ENOUGH!” his Warp-enhanced voice yelled, knocking each of the four Champions to the ground. “Have you all forgotten what we are here for? If my experiment bears fruit, then the doom of the Imperium would be assured! Are you going to put all that aside for your petty squabbles?”
The four marines looked at Bile, back to each other, and to Bile again. “What is we said yes?” Kharn said. Fabius could almost hear the smirk he wore under his helmet as the other Chaos chosen nodded.
“Well then,” Fabius said, rubbing his forehead. “Might I at least impress upon the four of you the values of patience?”
Once again, the four champions looked at each other before turning back to Bile. “I guess killing them could wait,” Kharn admitted grudgingly.
“Waiting only makes the eventual pleasure all the sweeter,” Lucius replied thoughtfully. “Very well, Fabius, I think I can hold it in for a little while,” he purred.
“Hmph, it isn’t as if I had better things to do,” both Ahriman and Typhon said in unison, then glaring at each other.
“Excellent! Now, if you gentlemen take your places,” Fabius said, indicating four points in the daemonic circle he had created earlier. “We may begin just as soon as our guest- oh, there she is!” he said as two mindless servitors walked into the ruined cathedral, a cryogenic chamber in their hands. “Well, we can’t have our honoured guest sleeping all the time, can we? Time for a wake up call!”
He opened the chamber, a cloud of cold air rushing out of the chamber as he took hold of the occupant: a beautiful young woman in the robes and battle armour of a Seraphim of the Adpetas Sororitas.
“Wake up, my dear, it’s time,” Fabius said almost paternally as he brought her into the middle of the circle. “My friends, I would like to introduce you to ex-Sister Superior Nevada Nekozawa, formerly of the Adeptas Sororitas.”
“What?” the young girl said as she awoke in a daze. “Where am I?”
“Why, you’re in the company of your friends, my dear lady,” Fabius smiled.
“Friends?” she asked, and looked around. “No! Merciful Emperor!” she whispered in terror as she recognized the four most feared men in the Imperium, these Champions of Chaos. “Emperor protect me-”
“You begged for your life on Eva III, my dear. I don’t think the Emperor would listen to cowards.” He sighed theatrically. “To think, a Seraphim Sister Superior begging for her life while the Guardsmen supporting her died in the thousands. Disgraceful, to say the least," he added, neglecting to mention the sorceries he wrought to make it possible.
“I… yes, I surrendered, didn’t I?” she said, shattered memories returning. “I… I betrayed them, didn’t I?”
“That you did, my dear. You told me where your Sisters’ hidden chapel was in exchange for your life, or at least, for the pain to stop.”
“Tortured me… chemicals…” she said, in a voice tinged with both a drug-induced dullness- and her own despair.
“Would that make a difference to the Emperor? The corpse god who abandoned you to die on a world far from your home?”
“…I guess not.”
“Of course it wouldn’t. But where does that leave you, my dear? Will you go to the Tau, and become a mindless cog in their machine? Try to gain favour with the shambling Necrons, throw yourself on their non-existent mercy? Try to find an aimless life as a rogue trader, where once you had purpose? Hardly fitting ends, don’t you think? Tell me, where does that leave you?”
“In... in the arms of the Chaos Gods,” Nekozawa whispered, before breaking down into tears.
“Correct,” Fabius said calmly as one of his mechanical arms stabbed into her, injecting a near-lethal cocktail of chemicals that sent her into silent convulsions. “Besides, you should be proud! You are the focal point, my dear, the focal point of what will be the greatest endeavour in human history-”
“Get on with it!” Kharn said impatiently, when Lucius broke into a giggling fit.
“Tee-hee, does that make you Fabulous Bore?” he said, before breaking down in laughter.
Fabius was glad he departed from the Emperor’s Children when he did.
“Is everyone quite finished?” he said as he placed the twitching Sororitas in the middle of the circle and stood before her. “Good.”
He looked down at her for a second, wanting to savour the moment. Ten thousand years, ten thousand years of experimentation, of research, of pain, both of others’ and his own (but mostly others’)- ten thousand years of his life compressed into this one, magnificent bite of time.
Even the other Champions seemed to have cooled down a bit; perhaps the import of what they were about to do had finally sunk in, or perhaps Fabius was succumbing to wishful thinking. Either way, once he was done, it would not matter.
“O Dei Dominus Domno Omnipotens Chaotica,” he yelled into a growing wind. “Audite meus lacuna! Tribuo vestri vox ut is vas! Infusus suus per vestri munia, Divinatii Malevolum! Dei Dominus Domno Tzeentch, tribuo suus potenti Warpus! Dei Dominus Domno Slaanesh, totus quisnam animadverto suus vadum exsisto pulsatus per votum! Dei Dominus Domno Khorne, planto suus an angelus of bellum! Avus Dominus Domno Nurgle, permissum suus valde vultus exsisto a morbus ut humanitas!”
As the last syllable escaped his mouth, Fabius felt the ground swell before him, a moment before it cracked with ruinous energies. Lightning flashed across the sky, earthing themselves between the cracks in the ground. The Chaos Primogenitor could barely move, but from what he could guess, it was all going exactly as planned.
Ahriman felt Tzeentch channelling the power of pure Warp through his body- and he hated it, hated the reality that he would never be anything more than the Chaos God’s tool, and silently swearing that he would free himself of the chains Tzeentch had placed upon him, uncaring of the fact that the Chaos God knew it too.
Lucius laughed maniacally as he felt Slaanesh’s power burn through him; the pain that he felt was incredible, incandescent in its burning agony, and he suspected that his Lord was increasing the pain to levels far beyond what the other Champions were enduring. At that moment, Lucius was more grateful to his god than he had ever been.
From the wounds he had suffered in his earlier fight with Lucius, Kharn felt, not blood, but warp energy flow out, and with the blood, a glorious feeling of triumph. This was what Khorne wanted, this was his greatest triumph! The very essence of war was flowing into this vessel, and the slaughter would be great!
Typhon didn’t feel anything, even as his bodily fluids oozed out, turning into Warp energy even as it hit the air. He didn’t feel anything anymore, save thankfulness to Grandfather Nurgle for making him… him.
Suddenly, there was a great burst of ruinous energy, blinding all those in attendance, a bright flash of what could only be described as black light engulfing them and the cathedral in which they stood in a darkness brighter than the sun of Terra. When it subsided, the five Emissaries of Ruin stood over what had once been a young human girl.
“Impressive,” Ahriman breathed, partly in awe, party in fear, partly in jealousy. He had always thought of himself and Fabius as opposite sides of the same coin; he, the Master of sorcery, and Fabius the master of the physical sciences. But if the result lying before them was any indication, then Fabius perhaps knew more about the powers of the Warp than perhaps even he knew.
She retained her basic body form and short hair, that much they could see; what visible physical mutations and changes she had undergone were confined to her face and her clothes.
And what mutations they were indeed. Her eyes had expanded to cover almost half her face, while her mouth has shrunk to a small slit near what had been her chin, itself now ‘sharpened’ to a point, just like her nose. The most striking changes he had undergone were to her ears and her clothes; instead of human ears, she now sported a pair of feline ears, and where her Adeptas Sororitas robes once adorned her, she now wore garb Fabius had last seen worn on female servants of the planet Francon.
However, despite her changes and mutations, the overall effect only seemed to make her more-
“Interesting,” Lucius said lasciviously. “Very interesting indeed.”
“Agreed,” Ahriman said, kneeling down beside her, turning her head this way and that. Oddly enough, despite the fact that her hair was as soft as Ahriman expected hair to be, it didn’t seem to lose its short pageboy cut, no matter how Sorceror turned her head- it seemed that the Warp had given gravity defying hair, among… other things, which Lucius had obviously noticed, much to Ahriman’s disgust.
“That’s it? You bring me halfway across the accursed galaxy- for this?” an enraged Kharn yelled, betrayal running through his veins- not just from Bile, but from the promise he felt when his god channelled the warp through him. He grabbed the back of the girl’s servant uniform and held her up to his face. “I abandoned one of the greatest slaughters in the galaxy for this?” he yelled, when the girl’s eyes fluttered open to reveal a pair of red eyes.
She blinked at Kharn a few times, then broke out into a wider smile than her small mouth could have reasonably warranted. “Commissar-kuun!” she squeaked in a voice even Fabius found sickeningly cute.
Suddenly, she disappeared from Kharn’s hand, only to reappear on his shoulders, hugging his helmet. “WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?” Kharn yelled. “Fabius!”
“Hmm, I had anticipated a high level of amnesia, to be sure,” Fabius said. “But not her behavioural patterns- perhaps the drugs and tortures I used on her prior to the ceremony might have had an effect.”
“What? What do you mean? Get off!” he yelled to the girl, who seemed to be able to dodge even his superhuman strikes.
“Well, I did use a great deal of suggestion drugs and torture techniques prior to this- perhaps, when combined with the amnesiac effects of the mutation, it made her similar to- to a duckling, I suppose. Do you know what a duckling is?”
“Green, small, big nose, can’t fight worth a fuck?”
“No, that’s a Snotling. In any case, it seems to have imprinted upon the first thing it saw as a ‘father figure’ of sorts- in this case, you. What I do not understand is why it referred to you as ‘Commissar’.”
“I believe I can answer that,” Ahriman said. “On the world of Chan IV, Kharn was engaged in an assault on an Imperial Guard outpost in which he slew a Commissar, after which he placed the Commissar’s hat on and proclaimed himself the new Commissar.”
“Heh, managed to get five thousand Traitor Guardsmen ‘on charges of treason’- then some idiot blasts that hat off me,” Kharn said, reminiscing while the girl who had once been Nekozawa purred around his helmet. “Getoff!”
“Yes, that. I suppose some of my memories may have got mixed up when I channelled the Warp.”
It was then that realization hit. “Memories? You were the one who blasted my hat off, weren’t you, Ahriman? Look, stop that!”
“You were running around the battlefield yelling ‘I’m the new Commissar! I’m the new Commissar!’. Do you have any idea of how annoying that was?”
“I liked that hat, damn you! AND FOR THE LAST TIME GET OFFA ME!” he yelled, flailing around at the feline girl, who kept deftly avoiding his blows. “GET OFFA ME OR I’LL-”
“Yeah, that- wait, who said that?”
The cathedral’s doors blew open, and as the smoke cleared, there stood before them a group of-
“Bloody Warp!” Kharn exclaimed. “Grey Knights!”
“Not just the Grey Knights, heretic,” a man in power armour said from the head of the column. “The Inquisition.”
The sound of a hundred guns being readied gave the Chaos Champions pause. As the looked around them they saw that the cathedral was surrounded by the elite warriors of the Ordo Malleus, and ten times the number of Inquisitorial stormtroopers. Even with their skills, they knew they would not win the fight.
“Damn you, Ahriman,” Fabius spat, readying himself for battle. “You were supposed to make sure this sort of thing didn’t happen!”
“We were aware of the blasphemous tactics you used to keep us from finding you,” the Inquisitor said smugly. “Your wards, fortune-telling and the like- they are nothing compared to the plans of the Emperor!”
“In other words, you tortured the right person at the right time,” Fabius scoffed.
“Eeeeh, same difference” the inquisitor shrugged. “In any case, prepare to face the wrath of the- Emperor, what is that?” he asked, pointing to the femme feline. “No, it does not matter,” he said quickly, his eyes glowing with righteous fury. “She is just another mutant! Justicar! Destroy them all, but leave her for later! Focus on the Champions!”
And then all Warp broke loose. Sanctified bolter shells and bolts from sanctified hellguns blazed through the air, and it was only the battle experience of the five that kept them from being killed in the first volley- but they knew their deaths were only a matter of time in the open spaces of the cathedral. Even Lucius felt an unfamiliar pang of terror, the one emotion he didn’t like-
“Blood for the Blood God! Skulls for the- Ghaaargh!” Kharn yelled as a krak missile tore its way through him. Even though his Chaos imbued body meant that he was still alive even after suffering something that would have killed one of his attackers, he still fell to the ground gasping.
“Commissar-chan? Comi-chan!” the girl said as Kharn dropped to the ground. When she saw him lying there, bolter shells and lasbolts tearing into his armour, her eyes narrowed in anger.
Another bright flash momentarily stunned blind both heretic and believer alike, and when they opened their eyes, they saw a most amazing sight. Quickly rising through a pillar of light, the girl’s clothes seemed to melt away, with only secondary streams of light and clouds of sparkling energy as cover. Her nudity was only temporary though, as where her servant’s clothes once were, there appeared what could only be described as an armoured leotard.
And she was armed. In one hand she held an ebony grey staff that culminated in the eight-pointed star of Chaos, a jawless skull in the centre. The whole effect was, however, rather spoiled by the fact that the star’s eight ‘points’ were more like stubs, and that the skull, with its small size, big eyesockets, small nostrils and three chubby teeth looked… wrong, at least for Chaos.
She dropped down onto the ground, into the middle of a squad of Grey Knights, and-
“Merciful Emperor!” the Inquisitor yelled in terrified shock. “She sliced them all in twain!”
And so she did. Where there were ten Grey Knights, there were now twenty halves of Grey Knights. She hacked and slashed her way through the crowd, the superhuman speed that had served to keep her from Kharn’s blows now helping her avoid the barrage of fire now directed exclusively at her, while the Chaos Champions only looked on in stunned awe.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere (or at least that was how it seemed to the onlookers), the Justicar appeared in front of the girl, and with one swing of his Power Sword knocked her staff out of her hands, and with the backswing, made to cut her in half.
In one swift motion, the girl reached behind her and-
“She pulled that hammer out of nowhere!” Ahriman marvelled, as the girl immediately reduced the Justicar into a red stain on the ground, before quickly running off to pick up her staff. Doubly armed, she then proceeded to smash, slash, or otherwise just plain kill the hunters-turned-hunted.
From the various chronometers and the like Fabius held, the fight had, from start to finish, taken but a mere minute, yet it felt to him like it had lasted for several hours for the cathedral to end up looking like it had been painted in a vivid shade of red. There were no recognizable bodies, or survivors; Fabius guessed the small shiny black stain nailed to the doors was his remains, or perhaps just a remnant of the pillar the girl had used to smash through the Knights.
Speaking of the girl…
She walked up to Kharn, a small item in her hands. The Champion of Khorne looked up, and saw that she had, through her speed and Warp-born powers, fashioned a small Commissar’s cap from the remains of the battlefield (literally; the braids looked like they had been fashioned from intestinal tract, and the Imperial Emblem was composed of a real skull and several fingers).
“Ne, ne, Comi-kuun!” she said perkily in her strange tongue as she held out the hat.
“You want me to put it on?” Kharn asked tiredly, as he looked out onto the battlefield. “Would have been nice if you saved their skulls.” A battle-scarred glove took the hat from her hands, and he placed it on his head, upon which the girl began squealing excitedly.
“EEEEEEE KAWAII DESU NE! COMI-CHAN KAWAII! SUGOI!”
“Well, Kharn, it seems that you’ve made yourself a friend,” Fabius laughed.
"Fuck. Can't we drop this one in Drannon's lap too?"
Mere months after that fateful night, the girl was seen again in Kharn’s company on the planet Tiji. Both she and the Champion of Khorne, now sporting a specially made greatcoat (a present from the girl, who had secretly made it from the toughened skins of the Commissars she herself slew) cut a bloody swath through the Imperial defenders of the planet- but oddly enough, her bloody antics only served to increase her underground popularity among the Imperial population.
Entire systems, such as Wiyabu, Wapanium and Ukato openly declared their intentions to secede from the Imperium as Chaos cults with the girl as a special focus took control, and when Abaddon began the 14th Black Crusade, it would be with the most resources the Fell powers would have since the Heresy.
WRITER'S NOTE: I felt the Warp overtaking me; it was a good pain.