"Da Tragedy of Hamlet, boss of Denmark" by Shake-da-boss-pole

Contents

"Da Tragedy of Hamlet, boss of Denmark" by Shake-da-boss-pole.Edit

By: Razorboy


Notes on the current edition of “Da Tragedy of Hamlet, boss of Denmark" by Sister Anne Hath-away of Avon.

The current (and only) edition of Hamlet is attributed to an Ork ‘Kultur boy’ (which perhaps translates into some sort of a scribe or adept) designated Shake-da-boss-pole in 789.M41. Little is known about the author, but curiously for an ork he was spurred by some twisted desire to put down this tale of woe and treachery (‘cunning’ as he would have put it no doubt) for posterity. Being an ork and lacking any writing implements (or indeed an alphabet to use it), he instead used an Imperial vox transcriber operated by unfortunate human captives. The recording, as well as mostly undecipherable notes (likely made by Shake-da-boss-pole himself in a futile attempt to mimick wholesome human writing) were captured by victorious troops of 14th Praetorians Regiment of the Imperial Guard in the pacification of Globus sector. The lost Act 2, Scene 1 was recovered in a crashed Fighta-Bomma where it was used to patch a hole in the hull. According to scholars of the Order Dialogous, discrepancies in the text may indicate either multiple authors, or creative changes made by human slaves used to pen this narrative. According to at least one Ordo Xenos Inquisitor, it would be more accurate to attribute the text to Warboss Bacon than to Shake-da-boss-pole, and the reference to Ghazhkull a later addition by the cunning Shake-da-boss-pole who likely stole Bacon's manuscript.


Act I.Edit

Act I. Scene I. Planet Elsinore, Denmark Waaagh; Warcamp of Warboss Claudius

Enter Barnardo and Francisco, two boyz

Barnardo: Oy! ooh goez dere?

Francisco: It's me you git!

Enter Horatio (a nob) and Marcellus (another boy)

Horatio: Oy you lot! Stand to!

Everyone: OK boss!

Horatio: Why'z you lot afraid like a snotling?

Marcellus: We'z seen a ghost boss!

Enter ghost of old Warboss – Old Warboss Hamlet

Horatio: Stomp it! Waaagh!!!

Stomping ensues

Marcellus: Dat ghost iz right tuff!

Horatio: We'z not have enough dakka boyz! I'z gonna git boss Hamlet, he's got dem tricks, he'z gonna know what to do!


End Scene.


Act I. Scene II.

Enter Claudius, Warboss of Denmark Waaagh; Polonius (a sneaky git and a Kommando nob)Laertes (a Kommando); Hamlet (a boss and secretly a Weirdboy); and others.

Claudius: Oy you lot! Listen up and listen gud! Old warboss iz dead so now I'm da warboss, you gotz that?! Now dem humies over in Norway want to come over and start a fight, so I sez we get lots of boyz and stomp them! Laertes, wot do you want?

Laertes: Warboss, can I take some teef and get new flash dakka from Bad Moon'z boyz?

Claudius: Polonius, you'z one sneaky git. Do they have new flash dakka?

Polonius: Yes boss!

Claudius: Den go get dem flash dakka Laertes! And you Hamlet! Stop yer mukkin' about!

Hamlet: OK warboss...

Everyone but Hamlet exits

Hamlet: My skin'z all slimy an' feelz like it'z gonna melt right off! Dat'z cuz I fink I haz dem Weirdboy powerz, but everyone else finks I'z just another stupid boss! I shoulda been da next warboss, but Claudius iz warboss now. But dat ain't orky cuz he'z too sneaky an' he didn't stomp other bosses proper like. Now he haz too much dakka, I'll never stomp him now!

Enter Horatio and Marcellus

Horatio: 'Ello boss Hamlet. We'z seen a deff ghost!

Hamlet: An' did youz stomp it?

Horatio: No boss, it was all sneaky-like, maybe you figure sumfin' out?

Hamlet: Alright, let's go! Waaagh!!!


End Scene.


Act 1. Scene 3.

Enter Claudius and Laertes

Claudius: Laertes you'z a sneaky git, but not as sneaky as me, an' you never dealt with Bad Moons before so you listen to me!

Laertes: OK.

Claudius: Dem boyz have all the teef, and lots of dakka, but they don't have the choppy and stompy, so you'z gotta stomp some of dem good, knock some of all dem teef out, and buy da biggest flashiest deff gun you'z can.

Laertes: Right boss.


End Scene.


Act 1. Scene 4. A Cold Marsh.


Enter Hamlet, Horatio, and Marcellus

Hamlet: It's dark and cold 'ere. Dat ghost better show up or I stomp yer lyin' hidez you gits!

Horatio: Look, dere it is!

Enter ghost of Old Warboss Hamlet

Hamlet: Oy! Iz de Old Warboss! Stomp him!

Horatio and Marcellus: No boss! Old Warboss iz too tuff for you!

Hamlet: You cowardly gits! I'z gonna follow him!


End Scene.


Act 1. Scene 5.


Enter Hamlet and Ghost of Old Warboss Hamlet

Hamlet: Waaagh!

Hamlet: Dats strange! My choppa and blasty does nuffink!

Ghost: You snotling! Shut yer gob and listen! Warboss Claudius he didn't stomp me proper, he'z poizoned me! So now you'z gotta kill 'im good!

Hamlet: But he haz dakka!

Ghost: So you'z gotta be all sneaky-like, pretend yer like a Weirdboy, den he won't expect yer axe!

Hamlet: Dat's right good idea boss!

Ghost: Of course it is!


End of Act 1.


Act 2Edit

The lost Act 2, Scene 1 was recovered in a crashed Fighta-Bomma where it was used to patch a hole in the hull. The original text now follows:

Act 2. Scene 1.

Enter Polonius and Reynaldo (a sneaky gretchen)

Polonius: Dat Laertes he haz all me teef I saved! He'z not gonna buy a right deffgun! So you'z gotta follow him and find da right deffgun to buy!

Reynaldo: Oh, ok boss. We'll be all sneaky like...

Enter Ophelio (a mad dok)

Polonius: Wot yer doin' here?

Ophelio: Dat Hamlet boss, he sure'z actin' weird, maybe Weird-like if you'z take my meanin'!

Polonius: Gotta tell da warboss den!


End Scene. 


Act 2. Scene 2.


Enter Claudius, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern (minderz)

Claudius: Dat boss Hamlet, he'z madder than dat mad dokk! He'z so full of mad, he just might be a Weirdboy. Youz boyz you mind dem other Weirdboyz, go to Hamlet and tell me if he'z a Weirdboy or not!

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern: Yes boss!

Rosencrants and Guildenstern exit. Polonius enters.

Polonius: Boss, boss. I fink I figured out why Hamlet'z all weird-like!

Claudius: Out with it git!

Polonius: Dat mad dok Ophelio put some of his mad juice into Hamlet, so mebbe that'z why he's all weird-like!

Claudius: He'z got juice that turns boyz into Weirdboyz? Dat's right orky! I'z gotta be sure though. Go sneak up on Hamlet


Enter Hamlet

Polonius: Oy boss Hamlet! Woss you doin'?

Hamlet: Oh, it's Polonius da squig-herder!

Polonius: Me a squig-herder? You'z mad!

Hamlet: Not as mad as dat mad dok Ophelio!

Polonius (aside): He'z still mad dat Ophelio stukk 'im wiv mad juice... (to Hamlet) Wossat yer mukkin' about wiv?

Hamlet: It's a humie book.

Polonius: Wossinit?

Hamlet: Scribbles, scribbles, and more scribbles.

Polonius: Wassit mean?

Hamlet: Iz called Emprah's boyz' book. See? Dey sez we orkz are stunty an' weak!

Polonius: Dey'z humies are dumb and mukkin' about. We'z gonna stomp 'em.

Hamlet: Not with Claudius as warboss we won't!

Enter Rozencrantz and Guildenstern

Polonius: Oy Hamlet. Dem two boyz you'z remember? Dey'z gonna follow you now!

Exit Polonius

Hamlet: Wot you boyz want?

Rosencrantz: We heard you were a proper boss, so we'z want to follow you!

Hamlet: You boyz look sneaky, I fink warboss or dat Kommando Polonius put youz up to this! I'll give yer a thump if you don't say wot you want for real!

Guildenstern: Don't hit us boss! Warboss Claudius he sent us to see if you'z all weird-like!

Hamlet: Oh I'm Weird alright like a Wyrdboy!

Rosencrantz: Oy look at dat! Dem boyz are all painted red! Dey'z Kult of Speed! Maybe deyz gonna go fast and crash!

Enter Kult of Speed boyz

Hamlet: You boyz! You're right flashy and fast! Can you race for me if I give you teef? I do love dem fings going fast and crashing!

Kult of Speed boy: Sure boss, you just pay us!

Exit everyone but Hamlet

Hamlet: Oh I'm such a low snotling! Worse dan a squigherder, mukkin' about in muck! I iz supposed to be a boss, mebbe even da next warboss, but I iz more cowardly than a puny Eldar, and dey break eazy! Even dis 'ere Speed boyz are more orky dan me! Wait, I know wot'z I gotta do! I gotta get dat sneaky Warboss Claudius to go see da Speed boyz, den when he'z not watchin', I'm gonna do him in as sneaky like as he did the Old Warboss in! The race is da fink dat'll expose the unprotected back of da Warboss!


End of Act 2.


Act 3Edit

Act 3. Scene 1.

Enter Claudius; Ophelio; Rosencrantz and Guildenstern; Polonius,( a Gretchen)

Claudius: Oy yer lot! Iz Hamlet mad or not? Iz been dayz and you lot 'aven't told me nuffink!

Rosencrantz: Ya boss, he'z mad as a Wyrdboy!

Polonius: And he sent dis gretchen 'ere to ask to meet with Ophelio. Maybe he needz more mad juice! So Warboss, we'll be all sneaky-like and listen on them!

Claudius: Seems like muckin' about but OK.

Everyone exits, Claudius and Polonius hide in bushes. Enter Hamlet

Hamlet: To chop or not to chop. Iz't more orky to chop from behind like Mork, or chop from in front like Gork? Or should I get a deffgun and dakka my muckin' to def? Oy, all dis Weird finking is very tirin', wish my gobbin' would shut it. All dem other Denmark orkz wiv their Waaagh drive me mad sumfink awful! Who could stand all dis mukking about, an' stompin', and shootan', and squig-rot? Iz just easier to charge a humie 'ard-boyz an' end it! That would be proper orky! All dis finkin' just gets in da way of a proper Waaagh and stops it dead! Oy, mad dok!


Enter Ophelio

Ophelio: You'z want to see me Hamlet?

Hamlet: Did you'z bring dat mad juice like I ask?

Ophelio: Aye, I go'it, but mebbe you'z shouldn't drink it. You'z didn't use to be all weird.

Hamlet: I'z gotta be mad! Mad enuff to....!

Ophelio: To what?

Hamlet: Errr.... I'z mad! Get yerself to mad doks! Cuz den you'z not gonna give yer juice to da boyz, turnin' dem all weird like me! I never wanted yer juice!

Ophelio: Wot you talkin' about? Of course you did!

Hamlet: Nevah!

Exit Hamlet and Ophelio

Polonius: See? Wot did I tellz you boss? Dat Hamlet's all addled like, worse dan a humie!

Claudius: I'z gonna send him off, to start the Waaagh early, maybe he'z gonna get himself killed.

They exit


Scene Ends.


Act 3. Scene 2.

Enter Hamlet; Horatio; Kult of Speed boy

Hamlet: No yer git! You'z gotta race that way and be real loud and red! And wave dis 'ere banner, it used to be Old Warboss' banner. Den new Warboss Claudius will dis... dist...

Horatio: Not watch 'iz back?

Hamlet: Yeah! Anyway, you got dis? Yer lot can do dis?

Boy: Yes Boss, we'll race bettah than evah'!

Hamlet: Yer bettah! Yer lot never race the right way when we'z need yer two and crash into our boyz instead of da enemy!

Exit Kult of Speed Boy. Enter everyone else.

Hamlet: Oy, Polonius. Didn't yer used to ride a warbike?

Polonius: Aye, once until I crashed, den all dat shock musta addled me and I figgered out how to be sneaky like a humie doez!

Hamlet: Wotevah!

Enter racers. Race starts, the racer with Warboss banner crashes just as Hamlet is ready to strike Claudius with his choppa in the back

Claudius: Oy! Datz old Warboss banner! How'z Hamlet had it and gave it to dem Speed boyz? I wontz it before it burns! And Hamlet, you'z gonna tell me where you get it or I'll stomp you proper dis time!

Claudius exits

Guildenstern: Hamlet, da Warboss wontz to seez yer right after he getz da banner!

Hamlet: You'z boyz mind yer bizness!

Rosencrantz: But we'z are minderz, so dats wot we'z doin' boss!

Hamlet: Oy Polonius! See dat trukk wreck?

Polonius: Wot about it?

Hamlet: It looks like a proper squig.

Polonius: Yes boss.

Hamlet: Or like an ambull.

Polonius: Jus' like an ambull I killed once.

Hamlet: Or like a gargant.

Polonius: Now'z yer just muckin' about Hamlet.

All but Hamlet exit.

Hamlet: Tiz now dah very orkin time ah night, When morkyards yawn and gork im'self breathes out, I could drink hot squig juice and do such orkin business as tah chop Claudius in'tah bitz.

Hamlet exits.


Scene Ends.


Act 3. Scene 3.

Enter Claudius; Rosencrantz; and Guildenstern

Claudius: Dat Hamlet'z mebbe not so mad after all, and he got the old Warboss banner somehow. So I fink you boyz grab him now and take 'im straight to da front!

Guildenstern: You'z da Warboss so you'z know best!

Rosencrantz and Guildensten exit. Enter Polonius.

Polonius: I'z gonna wait for you Warboss in your hut, cuz Hamlet'z comin' dere.

Exit Polonius.

Claudius: Dem Speed boyz got some of their bitz on me, now dey's startin' to smell, just like da Old Warboss Hamlet smell when I'z chopped him good! Dat was a good stompin'!


Scene Ends. 


Act 3. Scene 4.

Enter Polonius

Polonius: I'z gotta hide, den when Hamlet talks wif da Warboss I can stomp 'im if he does anyfink!

Polonius hides. Enter Hamlet.

Hamlet: Where'z Claudius? He'z not proper orky, he'z afraid of me, afraid I'll stomp 'im! Oy, what's dat noise?! Who's dere!

Hamlet chops down Polonius with his choppa

Hamlet: Oy, dis ain't da Warboss! Dis iz dat sneaky git Polonius. Wotevah, I'm off to Waaagh!

Exit Hamlet.


End of Act 3.


Act 4Edit

Act 4. Scene 1.

Enter Claudius with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Claudius: Wot's all dis ruckus?!

Rosencrantz: Dat Hamlet, he killed Polonius!

Claudius: Wot?! Polonius woz my best Kommando! An' he had da best gun! Go get Hamlet, see wot he done wif Polonius' body and dakka!

Exit all.


Scene Ends. 


Act 4. Scene 2

Enter Hamlet, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

Hamlet: Wot you lot want?

Rosencrantz: Warboss wants to know wot you'z done wif Polonius?

Hamlet: I'z not gonna tell you gits dat!

Guildenstern: Den you'z gonna tell dat to da Warboss himself!

Exit all.

Scene Ends. 


Act 4. Scene 3.

Enter Claudius; Rosencrantz; Guildenstern; and Hamlet

Rosencrantz: Boss, boss! Hamlet won't tell us wot he done wif Polonius!

Claudius: You'z going to tell me where Polonius iz you git! Or else I'z not going to send you to Waaagh! I'll feed you to me squiggoth instead!

Hamlet: Ha! Dat's wot I done to Polonius! I took his teef an' his deff gun and I fed da rest of 'im to da squiggoth!

Claudius: Ha! Dat's da same squiggoth wot I uzed to stomp da Old Warboss! Den I could be Warboss!

Hamlet: You iz a git, worse dan a snotling! You didn't stomp 'im proper, I shoulda been da new Warboss!

Claudius: Iz too late now Hamlet! You lot, take 'im to da Rokk, an' make sure Hamlet smashes good when we drop da Rokk!

Guildenstern: Yes boss!


Scene Ends. 


Act 4. Scene 4.

Enter General-Militant Fortinbras with Host of Imperial Guard; Imperial Navy Captain

Fortinbras: Go Captain, from me and scout the Danish Waaagh. Find us a safer path through greenskin space, so that the foul Chaos zealot may we smite! When we are done with them, shall we return and purge the Greenskin menace!

Captain: I will do 't my lord.

All by Captain exit. Enter Hamlet, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern in a Rokk.

Hamlet: Oy! Look at dis humie lot! Open da hailing frekk... fregg... Jus' lemme talk to dem! Oy, humiez!

Captain: The foul greenskin talks!

Hamlet: Wot yer lot doin' 'ere?

Captain: We are bound by my lord Fortinbras' decree to purge the foul heretics of Poland.

Hamlet: Dem Poland spikey boyz sure are tuff. Iz gonna be good lootin' all dem spikey bitz!

Captain: Nay, we do it not for profit foul xeno, we do 't for our honour, because the Emperor commands!

Hamlet: You'z doin' it for da fightan'?! Dats... Dats biutiful!

Exit Captain

Hamlet: 'Ow all dis muckin' about getz in da way of me stompin'! I'z more like a grot, wallowin' and doin' nuffink! E'en dis humiez here haf more orky in dem dan me! Dey'z goin' to stomp Chaos boyz, e'en if dey'z all gonna die! Dat's da proper way to do fings! So I'z gonna only fink about stompin' Claudius and leading da Waaugh from now on! Waaagh!!!

Exit Hamlet.


Scene Ends. 


Act 4. Scene 5.

Enter Horatio, Claudius, and a Mad Dok

Claudius: Woz goin' on with Ophelio? I need all dat mad juice of his to turn more boyz into Weirdboyz!

Mad Dok: Alas Warboss, Ophelio'z now too mad to brew his speshul juice

Horatio: Iz good though Warboss. Otherwize he'z just gonna make more Weirdboyz wot are more Wyrd like dat Hamlet!

Claudius: Mebbe, I still wontz to see me a mad dok that'z too mad! Ha!

Enter Ophelio

Claudius: Oy! Ophelio! You'z mad or wot?

Ophelio: (singing) Orks orks orks orks, orks orks orks orks! Green iz best but blu iz bettah!

Claudius: Blu'z not bettah dan green! Green iz best! You'z a mad git!

Enter a Boy

Boy: Boss, boss!

Claudius: Wot iz it yer git?!

Boy: Dat Laertes iz back an' he has da biggest deffbeam gun Bad Moonz evah built! An' he'z biggah too on account of stompin' all dem Bad Moon boyz!

Claudius: Oooh dat iz bad newz! Dat Laertes will wanna be Warboss. I'z gotta be all sneaky-like wif him and outwit 'im like Mork would do!

Enter Laertes

Laertes: Oy, Warboss! Look at me new shoota! Iz da beamiest, shootiest, deffiest shootah dat is! I'z could now stomp dat Polonius, den I could stomp you'z!

Claudius: Now you git! Polonius gotz killed and fed to a squiggoth! Dat Hamlet, he did 'im in and now 'e haz Polonius' shootah!

Laertes: Dats ded sneaky! I'z gotta kill Hamlet now! Where'z he?!

Claudius: I sendz 'im off to da Waaagh, but if 'e doesn't die, den you'z gonna stomp 'im instead!

Laertes: OK boss!

Exit all.


Scene Ends.


Act 4. Scene 6.

Enter Horatio; other Boyz

Horatio: Woss goin' on? Why'z da Weirdboyz want ta see me?

Enter a Weirdboy

Weirdboy: Oy! You'z da one dey call Horatio?

Horatio: Yeah! Wot you want?

Weirdboy: Dat Hamlet he'z ded weird! Sends yer a message!

Horatio: Wot he sayz?

Weirdboy: He sez dat dey Rokk got met up wif some of da Freebootah boyz, an' Hamlet he didn't wait on da Rokk, he stompz da Freebootahz instead, an' now he'z comin' back with Freebootahz' dakka to stomp Claudius!

Horatio: Dats good newz!

Exit all.


Scene Ends. 


Act 4. Scene 7. Enter Claudius, Laertes and a Weirdboy

Claudius: I hearz you'z got send a Weird-tell by da Hamlet wot'z gone all Weird-like!

Weirdboy: Yeah, he sez 'ez comin' back with loads of Freebootah dakka, an' real soon!

Exit Weirdboy

Claudius: Gork and Mork! Laertes, I hear you stomp dem Bad Moons boyz good!

Laertes: Deyz got teef and shootin', but dey don't haff da stompy and choppy!

Claudius: So Hamlet, he'z gonna fink dat you'z right shooty, but not stompy. So get him to fightz you wif da choppah and den you stomp 'im!

Laertes: Dat's right and proper sneaky boss!

Enter a Mad Dok

Mad Dok: Warboss, I'z got bad newz. Ophelio iz ded!

Claudius: Ded? He'z just mad!

Mad Dok: No boss! He'z propah ded! He went into squig pit to get some crazy juice, and den da squigs ate 'im!

Laertes: Wot a git! Didn't he stomp da squigs?

Mad Dok: No, he'z so mad den, dat he finks he's a squig and do nuffink!

Claudius: Dats not a good Orky deff, eaten by a squig! But now Hamlet won't have any more of Ophelio's speshul mad juice! Now'z your chance to stomp 'im!


End of Act 4.


Act 5Edit

Act 5. Scene 1.

Enter Gravedigger (A Grot) and Another Grot

Gravedigger: Wotz I gotta dig dis grave for? Squigs ain’t left much of dis git ta bury!

Grot: Yea, but if you’z don’t bury him propa, den his skull won’t be all nice and shiny like for Warboss’ pole!

Gravedigger: But did da Warboss kill dis git himself? No, so iz not proper dat ‘e gets his skull.

Grot: Go to, go to, he’s da Warboss so ‘e knowz best, an’ you’z just a grot like da rest o’us.

Gravedigger: Not like da rest of youz, I’z more special!

Grot: How do yer figger?

Gravedigger: Well look at dem feral orkz. Dey gotz no Mad Doks, or Mek Boyz, or any o’dat mukkin’ about, right?

Grot: Yeah.

Gravedigger: But dey needz dem skullz all nice and shiny for da boss pole jus’ like da proper boyz! So dat mean I’z like the one of da oldes’ and cunnies’ grots dat ever wuz!

Grot: But you’z haz da choppa ta dig wif! Wot do dem feralz have?

Gravedigger: You’z haz da brains o’da squig you do! Dey haz choppas to chop an’ dig’ an’ hammer wif just as same as us. But ourz are choppier on account o’ our cunnin’ and teknologee. Now go get me some squig juice. All dis muckin’ in da dirt is makin’ me thirsty!

Exit Grot. Enter Hamlet and Horatio.

Hamlet: Lookit dem skulls Horatio! Dey’ll look all shiny on me boss pole when I haz it! But iz so hard tellin’ dem apart. Dat one could be an ‘ard boy.

Horatio: Yeah, I s’pose.

Hamlet: An’ dat one wif its eye hole all weird, dat one could be a Mek Boy. Where’z yer mek fings an’ red lights an’ mek cutterz now? An’ dis one could be a Runtherder! Where’z yer grotz an’ whipz and squigz? I’z gonna talk to dis grot wif all dem skullz.

Gravedigger: ‘Ello boss! Come to look at da skullz?

Hamlet: Whoz skullz are these?

Gravedigger: Mine boss!

Hamlet: You’z just da grot!

Gravedigger: But I digz dem out!

Hamlet: An’ now I takez it!

Hamlet picks up a skull

Hamlet: Dis skull’z all weird!

Gravedigger: Dat’z cuz it’z Yorick’s da Weirdboy!

Hamlet: Oy poor Yorick! I knew him Horatio! He wuz a grot of infinite madness, an’ his powerz were greener than most! Where be yer Psychic Vomit now? Where be yer Big Hat? Yer bright ragz? No minderz to throw you into da enemy? Oy, Horatio!

Horatio: Yeah boss?

Hamlet: Yorick’s skull, lookz jus’ like other skulls.

Horatio: Yeah, so?

Hamlet: So all dese other skullz could be other big bosses, and now dey’z just skulls and squig-fodder. Lookit, dis could be Urgork the Unstoppable, an’ dat could be Ghazghkull hisself!

Horatio: Aye, dey could be.

Hamlet: An’ now dey’z all stomped and squig-fodder. Dere skullz not e’en worthy for da boss stick… Oy, who’z dere!

Enter Claudius; Laertes; a Mad Dok; and boyz carrying the corpse of Ophelio

Claudius: Hamlet you grot! You’z back already?!

Hamlet: Yeah, an’ I’z full o’ Waaagh!

Laertes: I hear you’z stomped Polonius an’ he was a cunnin’ old nob, but I’z biggah and strongah now, so I’z gonna stomp you!

Claudius: We’z gonna do it proper orky, in arena, so’s all da boyz an’ Gork an’ Mork can watch!

Hamlet: Izn’t dat Ophelio wot made da most excellent mad juice?

Claudius: Yeah, it’z ‘im alright!

Hamlet: Ophelio you mad fungus-fer-brainz. I loved yer mad juice almost as much as shootin’ an’ stompin’! Alright, dat’s it! I’z gonna prove to youz I don’t need no mad juice to beat youz! Tomorrow we’z gonna have us a proper fight in da arena!

Exit all.


Scene Ends.


Act 5. Scene 2.

Enter Hamlet and Horatio.

Hamlet: … and den I took da Freebotah’s kaptin’s hat.

Horatio: Wot about dem other gits… Rosencrantz and Guildenstern?

Hamlet: Dey’z thought they were cunnin’, but I’m da cunniengest of all da orks! Dey were goin’ to crash da rokk wif me on ‘t, but dem not on ‘t.

Horatio: What’d do den boss?

Hamlet: Well I ripped and chopped some wirez an’ such an’ messed up their Warphead boy, so now’z dey gonna crash or fly around forevah or sumfink.

Horatio: Dats right cunnin’ boss!

Enter Osric, a flashgit nob

Osric: Oy, you’z Hamlet wotz back?

Hamlet: Yeah. Horatio, you’z know dis grot?

Horatio: No boss.

Hamlet: Oh he’z got lotz of teef an’ lotz of dakka, but I en’t e’er seen him do propah stompin’! Dere’z too many grotz like ‘im in dis ‘ere Waaagh!

Osric: Laertes, ‘e datz da biggest mega-nob around, who stomped all dem Bad Moons boyz, an’ da humies, an’ da other spikier humies, he sez he’z gonna stomp you’z next! An’ Warboss sez dat whoever winz, ‘e’z gonna get the fastest trukk da Mekboyz ‘ave!

Hamlet: Laertes maybe stomped Bad Moons boyz, but dey’z weak and bring the shooty, but not da stompy. I’z bigger dan dat grot Laertes an’ ‘e’z gonna know it!

Osric: Den ‘urry up!

Exit Osric

Horatio: Dat Laertes, he’s proper deadly, mebbe yer should wait boss? Do him in with cunnin’ brutin’ like?

Hamlet: No you git! If I stomp ‘im proper, all da other boyz will see who’z da real warboss, den da Waaagh will be mine! I’ve been muckin’ about long enuff! Can’t muck around more dan dat! Now’s da time for stompin’!

Enter Claudius; Laertes; Osric; all da boyz and da nobz; killa-kans; and a Squiggoth.

Claudius: Oy you two! We’z gonna have a proper fight today, no muckin’ about or foolishness!

Hamlet: I’ve heardz about you Laertes. Dey sez you stomped Bad Moonz boyz first, well Hamlet killed da dread Freebootah kaptin, and Polonius wot waz da sneakiest nob of all, an’ loads of other boyz! And now I’m da biggest an’ greenest and I got me Polonius’ shootah too an’ I’z gonna scrag you too!

Laertes: Not if I do youz in first!

Hamlet and Laertes don armor and select choppas

Claudius: (aside to Laertes), when you’z get da chance, you’z push Hamlet o’er in dat corner, an’ I haz my Squiggoth stomp ‘im like! Jus’ like it stomped da Old Warboss Hamlet!

Laertes: Datz not proper like, but I love me da sound when a squiggoth squishes a git!

Claudius: Get dis fight started!

Hamlet and Laertes go at each other with choppas

Hamlet: I gut you’z good!

Laertes: I might be hit, but I’z still in da fight!

Claudius: Oy, you’z boyz look hungry! Letz get some squig in ya!

Hamlet: I’z not hungry. I’z only hungry for Laertes’ skull!

Horatio: Can I eatz yer squig den boss?

Hamlet: Yeah, ok.

Horatio eats the squig, not aware that it was poisoned. Hamlet and Laertes fight again. Laertes pushes Hamlet towards the Squiggoth, but as the Squiggoth stomps Hamlet, he shoots it with his deffun, causing the Squiggoth to rampage and stomp Laertes too.

Laertes: Argh! Da squiggoth stompz me too! Dis hurtz worse dan Mad Dok medicine! Da squiggoth wuz supposed to stomp only youz Hamlet!

Hamlet: Datz not proper arena fightan’, but I knew you’z an’ Claudius are sneaky gitz! Now that you’z dead an’ I’m still crawlin’ I’z gonna kill Claudius too!

Laertes: Do ‘t! If ‘e wuz proper orky and not used da Squiggoth I’d still be alive! Stomp da king Hamlet!

Hamlet climbs the Squiggoth despite his broken armor and extreme injuries.

Hamlet: ‘Ere we go! I’z gonna smash yer cunnin’ sneaky hide ya git! ‘Ere we go!

Hamlet goads the Squiggoth to crush Claudius to death. Laertes dies too.

Hamlet: I’z not feel so good Horatio.

Horatio: I’z not feel so good either boss. I fink it might’ve been sumfink I ate.

Hamlet: Dat squig, wuz poisoned by Claudius mebbe.

Horatio: It’z getting’ dark boss, I’z feel tired. Good night boss!

Hamlet: I’z not a boss no more Laertes! I’z da… Warboss… now…

Horatio dies

Hamlet: Oy! Wotz dat thunder noise?! Dat sounds like humie dakka!

Osric: Dat humie Fortinbras came back from stompin’ Chaos boyz an’ he has loads of dakka, more dakka dan e’en we do!

Hamlet: I… could’ve… stomped ‘im… too… maybe…

Hamlet dies.

Enter Fortinbras, Imperial Guard hosts, attendants, and an Inquisitor

Fortinbras: Where is this sight?

Osric: Wot’z dat you’z want to see?

Fortinbras: This quarry cries on havoc! O proud Death. What feast of carnage do I see before me! I hoped to smite the greenskin beasts, but in their treachery they shuffled off their mortal coil by themselves.

Inquisitor: The sight is hearty to mine eye, but news from Planet England come too late. An Orkish rokk of massive size and speed hath smote the planet. No xenos, no nor humans too, survived its fiery fall.

Osric: Den dem gits Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead.

Inquisitor: A foul xeno still abides? Alive despite our dreadful presence? I shalt anoint you with holy flame!

Inquisitor kills Osric

Fortinbras: This Hamlet Warboss would have been a worthy foe; to face in battle ‘twere true he’d be a sight to see. Alas, he’s dead now with his tide of verdigris. Bid troopers take the head of Hamlet as my prize, and let our guns salute Man’s rise!

The End.